I Smell a Rat saying "Show me the Money!
The blurb confused me until I read on and then the story pulled me in. Excellent metaphorical messages all through of who the real "snakes" can be. Loved the scene with Ted Pickwick the dick running for Mayor and the "good people" voting profits over the people with his plan to poison parks and the swamp with pesticides, and the political spin always used of "moral values" or "American values". You do an excellent job with POV shifts, always using a horizontal divider to show when we are in the mind of a new character and your character names are funny. Also really good dialogue between Tim Jr.and his sister Elizabeth. Tim is my favorite character. In fact, I don't much like many other characters as they are mean spirited or downright immoral, but I think you meant for the reader to feel this way. I love how well you captured young women's obsession with body image over being beautiful on the inside (Tilly the murderous skinny twit). You overall have the reader waiting, wondering, wanting to read on to find out first of all if little Tim ends up with a radioactive phyton for a pet, secondly how the story plays out with the disappearance of Tilly.
Some areas you could improve: Your paragraphs are WAY too long in many places throughout. Break them up a bit, as you don't want to lose the reader. You also started two paragraphs in a row with "Timothy was busy talking to" and then "Tilly was busy talking to.". Change this up so it's not redundant. Overall, this is a fascinating story. I've never before been able to feel as if I could find myself inside the mind of a python, you do this very well. The reader goes from fretting that big snake to loving him for his friendship with Tim and what he does for him. And excellent animal rights message in so many ways. . .
You "cooked up" a Great Story!
wow, this author "cooked up" a fascinating read )pun intended), fairytale meets horror with lots of humor sprinkled in. As the mother of a teen boy, I also feel the dialogue between Nick, his sister and friends is VERY realistic, as well as the back-prop. A geeky techy kid insecure around girls, fearing for his science project yet so brave in other respects.
I am dying to read part two of this magical world. My what big teeth you have Nick, and what big ears you have! The better to eat you with, dear!
Old Stone Face
The story of these two girls pulled into servitude of a farmer pulls at your heart, and gets increasingly more interesting after Chapter One. The tragedy of Britta is heartbreaking, and the backdrop of war, political upheaval, and hierarchical society is all too relevant today in many societies, including America. I find the parables of this storyline with the message in my own Inkitt novel, Masks of Morality, matching--right down to the subtle glorification of violence with "proud" displays of coats-of-arms.
I'd like to see some paragraphs broken down a bit, as a few are dense at the start and I don't want to see the reader get lost before enjoying this beautiful story. It's a wonderful read once you get into the plot!
Revenge IS the Enemy
I read this story in one day, could not stop reading. The author has a similar message as my MASKS OF MORALTIY, in which I speak of a culture of irrelevant revenge and choosing love over hate in every choice---including walking away from wars of hatred. EXCELLENT metaphorical depiction all the way through of how geopolitics itself and aversion to diversity is simply a manipulation of broad symbols: flags, royal crowns, "loyalty" to tyrannical rulers with brainwashed, mindless soldiers carrying out "orders" of arrogant kings or in modern times---Presidents and Prime Ministers, all purposely turning people across boundaries or color against each other for a sick power and control. even the anti-intellectualism movement is reflected here, how truth is hidden from populace, lies written into history books and media to keep masses ignorant of just who the "enemies" are. I did not like how Dominic goes to the dark side of revenge, killing children and an entire kingdom----yet do feel his pain knowing what happened to his people.
Add a horizontal line or some divider in chapter six between the scene where Dominic asks "what war?" and him landing in sticky ground. It confused me there, with sudden scene change.
Overall, an amazing reflection on how war merely breeds hate, how revenge eats away at ones soul, and leaves the reader questioning whether violence could really ever bring world peace.
Very intriguing from the start, and a realistic portrayal of a young woman playing the field, innocently just trying to find where her heart is and hitting the online dating scene despite having a boyfriend. I felt really bad for her boyfriend, Ken, the author does a great job with depicting how today's over the top busy schedules, the digital age on steroids and living half in a virtual reality stops healthy communication in relationships. who was to know Ken loved her so much?
I was confused how Sammy Jo suddenly makes an appearance and what her role was in all this, had to re-read that part. And you seem to switch point-of-view a bit too swiftly throughout. For example, in chapter one, you went from Erik to Amy within a paragraph or two, making the reader think twice whose thoughts we are in.
I love the scenic backgrounds, flowers, trees, birds, buildings. but would like actually a few more details about the appetizers Erik and Amy had before their dinner (oysters? calamari?)
When Amy goes to the bathroom and asks Erik if she can bring him back something, it makes the reader think something from the bathroom, which I don't think is what you intended. Maybe just add "while I walk through the kitchen--would you like something?"
Also when they are at Erik's beach house, maybe add something about each others swimming attire (and body physique they each enjoy). Did she wear a bikini? Tankini? Was he fit with six-pack abs?
Overall very good read, I like the short chapters. Be careful of separating POV shifts, use either asterisks or extra line spacing to let reader know we are now switching to the mind of XXXX
A Realistic Teen Scene, right down to the Screenager
As the mother of a teen myself going into High School, I could see the interactions of these kids play out in real life, including the typical girl jealousy about boys, the locker scenes, missing class, the cell phones. And the plot message how one decision can change everything jives with my own story on Inkitt (Masks of Morality) so I felt connected. There is even a masks gala that jives with my story, so really on a similar wavelength. I found the subtle bullying attitude toward the character Ryan heartbreaking and found myself as the reader wishing Ryan would flat out dump the setup date with Hannah, teach the girls a lesson about seeing the beauty of each person. It's quite sad Ryan would want to plan something "special" for a girl that clearly does not deserve him.or want him.
In chapter three, the paragraph about Hannah loving art class is far too long, I'd break it up a bit. Another thing I saw that could be improved is in the line "The final week of the summer in always...." remove the word "in".
finally, how can Josie MacArthur look for her birth parents that died in a plane crash? Does she not know they died in a plane crash?
Overall, the story was really enjoyable and well written. It flows very nicely and the descriptions of the New England autumn colors are delicious.
From the start, I was riveted to this emotional story, wanting to see the two young main characters Charlie and Ace come together. both hurting in their own way, and the reader really feels for both characters, one finding her dad after a suicide, the other not having any dad to speak of and feeling used by the girl of his dreams. EXCELLENT job with POV build, I love how the chapters are each crafted within the mindsets of each character, as we get inside their heads. I can't wait to see the rest of this story, great job! Some missing words here and there, and a few paragraphs are a bit dense but those things are easy to flesh out.
A few notes: couldn't help but noticed should be couldn't help but notice.
due a family emergency should be due to a family emergency
he never come back should be he never comes back
You used the word "one" twice "It's his jacket, the same green one one...."
Can't rip eyes off my dad's face needs a word added (can't rip my eyes off . . .)
The intrigue was a great build up
At first, it seemed a bit slow paced and many paragraphs a bit dense. Yet as I read further, I was pulled into the magic, mystery and could not stop reading. You do an excellent job with getting inside the heads of main characters Prince Nicky and Elizabeth. NO problem at all with any point of view shifts, which in and of itself shows great writing talent.
I did not know who to feel worse for, Prince Nicky or Lady Elizabeth, but lean more reader compassion towards the Prince being so young and really robbed of his youth. I LOVE, the mother-son bond of his spirited mother and the magic entwining, such creative flair.
I don't know if this was intentional, and hope not to be a spoiler---but I saw metaphors like a Hunger Games backdrop: the poor out hunting with bow and arrow, youth robbed of their childhood through forced oppression with either violence or marriage, the wagon and waving to the "cheering" crowd while they are all dressed up in glitter and "glory", the suppressive crown rule.
I like it, and really appreciate the time you took to give me feedback on my novel, Masks of Morality. My novel is already in print and doing well on Amazon, yet I can still make changes and you provided GREAT advice. Thank you for that, and for sharing this amazing story!
Creative, magical mystery!
I read this story really quickly as it drew me in from the start. I felt like I was with these little girls going through a magical labyrinthine puzzle to solve their grandma's mysterious death. I LOVE the creativity of the wine cellar, paintings (won't say too much here as to not spoil plot), and the deep curiosity of the older girl.
I'd like to see more emotion around the alleged murder itself. Some deep nostalgia mixed in with the adventures and tension.
Turns Ordinary into Extroidinary
A tale of love and darkness that lifts the reader's mind to an enchanted place far beyond what may seem like a mundane mission. An honorable father in search of his sons taken under oppressive rule, pulsating with mystery and a medieval touch. The characters, especially Brynn, come alive nearly jumping off the paper with imperfect realistic voices. And there seems to be a message, hiding and palpitating just beyond the magic; of social justice and humanity. A moving story.Read the story now
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