Chapter 19: Sentimental Values
“ It’s Hazel… she killed herself.”
It echos in my head for a second, as to where I can feel my heart drop. “ Damien.. That’s not funny-” “ HER BROTHER JUST CALLED ME! Told me how much of a piece of shit I was to her! All because… I didn’t love her..”, he gulps nervously and shivers a little. “ Damien.. It’s not your fault-” “ YES IT IS! She did EVERYTHING for me.. She even tried being a man for me.. I told her from the start.. Warning her… but she kept getting led on.. I MADE her kill herself!”, he sighs and puts his fingers through his hair trying to hold in tears. Slowly I sit by him putting my arm around to try to comfort. “ Don’t touch me ..please don’t-” “ Shh, Damien it will be okay.. She just had another issue going on… she wouldn’t kill herself because of you she’s stronger than that. I should know..”
“ Yea? LIKE WHAT?!”, I sigh and look into his eyes, “ You think you’re the only one who witnessed her abusive family and the bullying?”, he looks back at me and begins to calm down a little. “ I tried to help but she shoved me away from her and anyone that helped her she ‘fell in love’ with.. The poor girl was doomed from the start Damien. She needed to realize she can’t force someone to fall in love.. She needed to not take for granted the help she could’ve received. Ya know, she stole everyone I ever dated? Just so I would be alone? I guess her karma finally hit.. And she couldn’t take it.” He sighs, “ I guess you have a point but I still feel guilty..” “ Damien.. Don’t let your feelings guilt trip you like it does for me.. I’ve been in such an unstable emotional state for so long and.. Just recently I’m finally doing something about it… Please don’t hurt yourself like me.” “ I’m not even allowed at the funeral Alabaster! Do you know how shitty that makes me feel? She was one of my closest friends.” I sigh and stand up, “ Come on, I’ll figure out a way to get you there.. It’s just getting pretty late out here. Want me to take you to get slushies to cheer you up?” He smiles at me and chuckles, “ And Taco Hell”, he says to me as he gets up.
After two hours of messing around in the mall, gas station, and the drive through at Taco Hell we head home in my room laughing our asses off lying down in my bed. Soon I give him the courage to ask him something I’ve been curious about, “ Hey, what was Hazel like, since you were able to be close friends with her? Every Time I asked Sunshine he said ‘annoying as fuck’.”, he smiles and laughs, “ Are you kidding me? She was great… sweet, bossy, loving.. A lot like you actually.” “ Really? You’re joking..” “ Nope.. she loved blowing me though..” “ Haha, nah.. nope.. I see what you’re doing.” “ What do you mean?”, he smiles at me deviously. “ See I don’t fucking trust your smile..” “ Awh, Baby..”, he pinches my nipple hard and I start to freak out. “ OW! WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE LONG NAILS!”, he wheezes in laughter for a few minutes until he noticed how pissed that made me. “ See.. she can actually take a joke.” “ Mmm. well good for her then”, I try to get up but he wraps his arms around my waist. “ Nooo.. stay with me and lay down~ I’m going to rape you if you don’t.”, I roll my eyes and ignore his joke and just shift my legs to the bed and sit up. He moves and lays down, “ Come over here..”, I ignore him and cross my arms, “ Fine, I’m coming over to you then.”,he says teasingly and sits up to kiss me but I remain hesitant. “ Ugh, please Alabaster.. I really want to you to help me keep my mind off it.. I promise I’ll do all the work..”
Slowly I take a deep breath and respond, “ Alright fine, even though we already did like four times today already..”, he kisses me deep and smiles, “ I love you.”
Every fucking time he’s here he is always up my ass or wanting me up his.. Literal and metaphorical.. It is kind of annoying somewhat but that’s just how he is I suppose. It’s better than him not caring like before. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just getting bored of it as my sex drive for women continues.. It’s just not as thrilling to me as what it was like when we were younger. I don’t know what’s up with me lately.. Maybe exhausted from it since he’s practically always up for another round.
The begging for it is a slight turn off for me…
“ Tobi, what did you even see in that woman?”
We’re on the patio of an expensive hotel called Fantasia: Exotic food and drinks with quite the psychedelic capture of life. Midnight hands out the pills and other drugs for us to use in our stay.. I just keep the customers entertained as their sexy waitress. I figured if I even needed a backup job.. which would work perfect. Mini Brazil has a lot to offer a girl like me.
So, we’re standing at the edge of the patio with a nice margarita cocktail in my hand; see-through navy blue tank top and a tight cheetah thong and the usual diamond choker… She’s obviously had a few shots of scotch after a day having fun in town. The silly thing comes back to my room stumbling around and trying to undress but her pants only make it down to her knees and she already tore the shirt apart. Mumbling a few words she does, making her way towards me. Holding onto my body and kissing my neck. “ Gosh you’re so hot… and so smart Cherry-- kiss me.” I sigh and rolls my eyes, “ Tobi.. answer me.. What did you see in that skinny thot?” “ Mmm, I have no idea what you’re talking about baby-OH MY FUCK your hair is so soft.” “Lay down Tobi, you’re drunk.” She stands up straight and giggles at me until I turn over to her, “ What is it that you’re laughing about? I’m trying to be serious already-” “ Mm, we can be serious some other time”, She pulls me by the sides of my thong closer against her, “ Right now I want to get intimate with you.” Wow.. just like Alabaster…
She begins making ‘puppy dog eyes’ at me until I respond, “ Alright fine but under one condition..” “ And that is?”, she questions with a smirk on her face. “ You have to tell me some information on Emi..” She groans and then peers down at me, “ Fine.. geez..” She backs away and stretches our arms for a second.
“ Well… funny story is me and her met when we were in college a few years back.” “ Wait.. how old are you?”, she rolls her eyes at me, “ I’m only twenty-two .. I just graduated high school when I was seventeen. I left with my bachelor’s degree at twenty-one.. Anywho one day I was jogging across the park on campus I heard some music playing.. Like a performance. Guitar strings strum like angels, listening closer I heard her beautiful, soulful voice.. So I followed. And eventually I found her practicing by a tree with a nice picnic basket. Her hair was slicked back in a ponytail with a rainbow dyed bandana.. Cigarettes by the side of her with some well styled boots. She was wearing mint green buttoned down sweater and the bottom belted pants. Right when I seen her.. My heart began to melt.”
“ How old was she at the time?” “ Hm.. I think she was just about to turn nineteen.” “ So like.. You’ve guys went years with keeping your relationship secret?” “ Uh, not exactly.. People knew we were a couple but Emi soon got recognition throughout her singing and big corporate were fond of her. However, there was one flaw, they remade her image into what the public eye wanted. She wasn’t allowed to show her homosexuality or herself.. It was banned. So for a few years it’s been on the downlow and even then it isn’t the same. Our dates became just mindless talks.. The sensual nature we had became broken by each day. I remember whenever I would go to hold her hand she would slap mine to remove all arisings of suspicion. It was a matter of time before we get caught one day because I make one slip up. One last time and we won’t ever do it again I thought and I was right, but on a different perspective…”
“ Who caught you?”, I ask out of curiousity. She sighs and hangs her head down, “ My own mother..”, Tobi walks her way back to one of the beds and lays down, “ I’m not even in the mood anymore.. I’m going to bed, night Cherry.” I walk over to the bed and crawl on top of her, “ I’m sorry Tob’, I should know that this is painful for you..” “ If you count crying over it still like a big idiot”, she says as tears gently go down her face, “ I’m sorry.. I’m too sensitive..I hope one day she can accept me from who I am but I highly doubt it.” “ Hey, don’t think like that babe.. Look at me at least.”, she turns her head at me from hiding her face with tears gushing down. “ Ya’ know.. I lost my mother when she gave birth to me. My father and my sister use to blame me all the time for their death.. I remember they tried giving me up”, I wipe my eyes off and sniffle. “ My father sold me to his friend so he wouldn’t have to be around me and he’s always force me to do disgusting things for him.. Until one day I decided I’m not going to live life like this. And I poisoned him with baked alaska cake I made for him. I didn’t care if I was on the streets.. Anything was better than this. I stole all his money and jewelry, found a secluded area to live in as I work my way up doing what I do best. Alabaster hated what I had to do and invited me to stay over so many times.. But I refused. I wanted to get up on my own and he would cry every night for what I went through. Finally.. Once I get way on top, guess who NOW, after my ENTIRE LIFE has been gone by, they want to be apart of it.”
I sigh and look down, “ I’m sorry.. I just want you to know that at least you met yours and didn’t have to go through what I did. I mean at least now I’m spoiled rotten.” Tobi sits up by me giving me a soft kiss, “ Hey, you’re okay.. Hearing this just makes me understand you a little more.” I smile at her as we both hold each other’s hand.
Who needs sex all the time in our life? Sometimes understanding each other’s pain and emotional values are a way of intimacy and understanding….