Your concise summary and two chapters so far has definitely intrigued me! Looks like there's magic involved regarding the elements and I have a fondness for magic in the fantasy genre so I'm quite interested to see how the story will unfold later on. It's only been one chapter but I already like the dynamic between Lotharan and Morgan. Your descriptions are also very nice as I visualized the house while reading.
Just a couple grammatical errors I spotted if you don't mind me pointing out.
meticulous looked over...
longer his stayed...
that mans face...
Eretwood: slowly walking the room..
Since I don't know much about the story yet, I'll most likely update my review later on with a full review if you ever complete this story. Anyway, great start and I look forward to future updates! :)
Your verb tense changes from past tense to present throughout the story so I'm unsure which tense you want to write in. Also, it seems like your POV is 3rd person omniscient but the jump between different characters and places without any indication disrupts the flow of the story. Furthermore, the dialogue structure changes from "" to - so I got a little confused there too. It should be consistent if you want to show dialogue using " " or by - which I have seen the dashes in play scripts or in French novels.
There were some grammatical mistakes and typos with the names throughout the story as well. Since there were a lot of chapters, I didn't keep track of where I saw the errors if it would have been more helpful to list them. It requires revision and polishing but I hope the feedback helps a bit. Overall, I read this more like a play than a story which is probably not your intention.
Ahh, I'm sorry for the criticism but I hope my review doesn't discourage you from continuing to write. :( The premise of your story interested me but I'm disappointed to find that the execution of the story so far wasn't what I expected. I hope you'll keep on writing because that's how we writers improve. :)
Hey there! I really enjoyed your short story but I might be biased because I wrote a short story back in 10th grade for science class on deforestation as well but that story is just a total embarrassment and nowhere near as creative and thought-provoking as yours. Also, I'm just a sucker for stories that take place in forests... xD
Anyway, just spotted some small grammatical mistakes:
Ch 1: deafening "crash". there... Missing the capitalization and also it's just most likely a writer's preference but I think instead of putting crash in quotations, maybe use italics instead to emphasize the sound of the crash.
Ch 2: "would back..." The 3rd paragraph is missing a verb.
Also, I noticed the personal pronouns changed between paragraphs when describing Mahori. eg. "..go up to Mahori, let him know..." and then later "Mahori clapped his hands. Thus, she was..." (It was confirmed in the last chapter that Mahori is female so I believe you just have some typos with the he/she).
Ch 3: typo "It mad my heart leap..."
Ch 4: typo "Swiftly, Maya..."
Overall, great short story! I’m glad to see that Adha’s tribe could be protected and that she took action in saving her home. :)
4.5 stars for the characters
Ah, compared to your thorough and helpful review for my story, I hope I can return the favour. As I had hoped, I finally finished Cost of Revenge before the end of August. :P
If Inkitt could have half ratings, overall, I'd give 4.5 stars to Cost of Revenge. I'm kind of a sucker for anti-heroes (or just plain ol' villains) in novels/TV shows if they're well written. It might be their charm or personality but they have that one quality that makes you hate to love them.
--- CHARS: For Dominic, he wasn't entirely to blame for the war he started but like I've noticed in another review, I would have liked to see more interactions between Dominic and his friends while growing up in Gelbraun. Whether it was in the form of flashbacks or entire chapters themselves before he learnt the truth about his birthright since I enjoyed reading the banter between him and Jimmy in Ch 1. That being said, I liked the secondary characters a lot and my favourites would have to be Brigham & Josie. It'd be cool to see more of Larissa too since she was quite mysterious (as fortunetellers should be) and Willow was interesting as well. Sometimes, I'd hate Dominic but then love his people but then I also sided with Cassidy and Daemyn at times but hated Pierce. So, I think you did a great job with your characters with all their complexities.
--- SETTING: I'm terrible at remembering the names of kingdoms in fantasy novels unless I'm shown a map haha. But anyway, it was a neat to see the kingdoms divided based on eye/hair colour. Out of curiosity, is the climate in the region similar if these different kingdoms only have different eye/hair colour but the same skin colour?
--- MISC: Even though the basic idea is revenge, I found that your descriptions of the war and battle scenes well done. I can't write fight scenes properly haha, so all the battles scattered throughout the story were engaging to read.
Lastly, there were some typos I spotted which I'll leave in the comments in case someone else hadn't mentioned them already. Anyway, terrific job on your first novel! It was well thought out and I look forward to future works. ^_^
Quite an adventure
I loved the close-knit relationship that Sue and Soph have. I have a younger sister myself so I could really relate to how close two sisters could be as children. I also could relate to Caleb and Cordelia with the distance they have as siblings as well since my younger siblings and I are no longer close-knit to when we were children.
The fantasy elements woven into the story were magical and I enjoyed reading about the many different worlds and its respective characters along with friendly and not-so-friendly creatures. I think this would appeal greatly to the middle-grade audience given Sue's and Soph's age. Nonetheless, it's equally enjoyable to a reader of any age.
On a side note, there were some grammatical errors that I spotted throughout the story if it hasn't been mentioned already.
Ch 1: suppose could grandpa come...
should I Ms. Plumlee...
Ch 3: How did you got here...
Ch 5: didn't have too...
Ch 6: We're travailing...
Ch 7: girl's bodies...
Ch 12: how many apologizes...
Ch 15: our apologizes...
Overall, fantastic job and I'll add your sequel to my to-read list.
Great characters and world-building
At first, I thought combining djinn with vampires, werewolves, angels and demons would have been overwhelming but I was pleasantly surprised to find that the variety of species in the story was well executed. I liked the dynamic between Matt, Alec and Fred along with Matt's love and determination to save Erin. The short snippets showing Matt's past at the start of each chapter was a nice touch and it gave us more insight about how he and Erin left home to live in the forest.
Just a few grammatical errors that I hope you don't mind me pointing out in case you want to make a quick fix. It didn't deter me from enjoying the story nonetheless.
Ch 4: they started us building...
Ch 14: the type of man the gives me...
Ch 17: it's gray and white fur...
Ch 19: There are other reason...
Ch 20: Beren levitated her... (I think this was supposed to be Cain since I didn't read anywhere about Beren appearing beforehand in this chapter)
Overall, great story! I'm curious to read more about Matt and the world you created in the next book.
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