Paperboy Jacky

Calgary, AB, CA

Aiming to bring magic to life through my thoughts and words, nicknamed Pyjamas or Py. Cat lover.

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Quick Review

This story is surprisingly scary...

So first things first. A scary machine. Ok. I get that.
It's sort of obvious with the title and genre that men were getting crushed between the gears. Just pointing that out.
The prologue is a bit short and could be seen as Chapter 1. Your chapters are a bit short, but that's okay.
So, I have no complaints on this story and it's just the prologue I see that's the flaw of your story. Not that your prologue wasn't written out nicely.

Comic Relief. I think it's great that the protagonist provides comic relief in a horror story. I don't write horror so if there shouldn't be comic relief, there shouldn't be. I don't write horror, so I shouldn't be judging this.

Everyone's gotta admit that the little boy sounds cute in the story.

So great story so far! Voted already!

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Nice story so far

Hi Jake,

I took a look at your story and I am very impressed at your story so far! This first chapter holds so much promise to the rest of your story and I am very excited to read the rest!
I'll give you this, you already introduced very interesting ideas. Your first chapter is unusually attractive and full of action and your species in the story have been defined flawlessly instead of an info dump which many authors who lack the skill to weave this kind of information use.
Your summary and blurb are very attractive, however, I might argue that perhaps your blurb could be reduced by a bit. It would make for a good prologue actually now that I think about it, but either works.
I like the characters so far, yet most of them die so soon. It gives a feeling that the boy who would be made into a God-Slayer would have a very interesting life.
I did notice the Philosopher's Stone in your story which you defined differently from what its original use is which is completely okay because it is your story, but if I were you, I would define it sometime later in the story. But a well done job! I look forward to reading the rest of your story!

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Needs work

Hi kaitybug50,

I am not here to praise you, but I think you do have a lot of good ideas in place. It's just a matter of cleaning your story, and I don't mind helping you with this review to do that.
First of all, your blurb intro is interesting. However, it becomes a whack of mess and becomes a factory of telling. You revealed too much about your plot and it is not written as effectively as your readers would hope a blurb should be. Your summary is interesting though and I give you credit for hooking me into your story.
Unfortunately, I think your previous reviewer shot you down because he did not appreciate your prologue. It is fine that you want to explain what a humaroo is, but the prologue isn't exactly the place to do it unless it is a keystone to your story. You do have some punctuation and grammar mistakes that would enhance your story when you flesh it out, but honestly I would drop the prologue and weave the definition of a humaroo into your story. Otherwise, you have good ideas yet poor execution. It is just a matter of fixing what you executed, that's all.

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Nice beginning

Hi Zhaniee,

I read the first chapter of your story and I must say, you have a very interesting summary and blurb. The start of the first chapter is very interesting and makes me want to read more of it.
Unfortuantely, I noticed the actual details of the story are rather lacking in punctuation and grammar and it got to the point it was too noticeable and I had to put it down. You write in this weird present tense voice or even mix it when readers come by across this and it is rather disruptive to your audience. I honestly love the story and scene, but because your writing style including your disappointing punctuation and grammar, your audience will find it difficult to venture through your story. If you take those points into mind, this story can go a long way. When you fleshed your entire story out and rid your errors, I would be happy to look at your story again!

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Reminds me

Hi Nealw,

I took a look at your story and your writing style kind of reminded me of my own when I used to write. Let me compliment what I liked about your story first.
So you managed to create an interesting hook in your summary and blurb which isn't an easy feat. I wanted to find out why the clouds were swirling around the person. However, your awesome hook in the blurb specifically was destroyed by the rest of the blurb unfortunately. You were telling, not showing and I felt like I was reading a children's book. So, if you can, go back and fix your blurb so it is stronger because your audience RELIES on your blurb so they will READ your story, which is why your audience level may be low.
You have a lot of great ideas, but unfortunately, its difficult for me to digest them because of your poor punctuation and grammar. This highly contributes to if your audience wants to read your story or not. And unfortunately, this pushes your audience away so if you fleshed out your story, you will go a long way.
Please take my suggestions into mind and I hope this review helps you enhance your story. A tip I would suggest for you is to read your story out loud to find all those missing punctuation and grammatical mistakes. If you can't see them, step away from your story and after you don't remember your story as much, read it again and you'll see those errors right away. This will also help you in the contests because a good polished story with good ideas help readers determining if they want to read your story or not. So good luck in re-editing and when you completely fleshed your story out, I would love to read it again!

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Good start!

Hi JBashknight,

I read your supernatural story and I must say that it is a very interesting story. But first of all, compliments.
I liked how you played with the concept of Qi, the spiritual energy. You used this term in a way that defined the rebirth of your protagonist. So in other words, we get the sense of feeling that its a very powerful energy from the way you defined it in your story, so good for you on that.
Your blurb is interesting, a god dying. It instantly attracted me right away. It isn't easy to find a story that has that hook.
As for my critique, your introduction is rather odd, so it seems weird compared to the first chapter because the way you start it off has the same tone as the introduction until Pangu is chased by the gods. I feel that the intro may not be necessary and that you can weave in your world as Pangu goes along because Pangu is learning anyways. But its also totally fine that you introduce all the nitty gritty of your story. Just watch your first chapter because the tone of it is so much like the introduction. Just the beginning of it anyways.
Your title is very interesting, because Chaos does exists in multiple mythologies, such as Egyptian mythology, Greek Mythology, Norse Mythology, and a lot more others that I spare to mention. And in this context, you used Asian mythology and sort of adapted it into some sort of Rick Riordan sort of thing, but in like an Asian context and background. Pangu, your protagonist I feel has been chosen quite carefully as he is the creator in Asian Mythology. So this quality you give your gods to have flawed human qualities give your audience interest and by itself is interesting.
However, on the contrary, because Chaos exists in multiple mythologies, you might want to tweak your title to fit this Asian Mythology context because your title Primal Chaos doesn't take the mythology from Greek, or Egypt, or Norse. That would be just a suggestion for you to take in.
Overall, very interesting story so far. I like how Pangu is stripped of his power because he caused it himself to avenge himself. I look forward to reading the rest of your story!

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Interesting

Hi Hasita_11,

I looked over a chunk of your story (so a third of it so far) and there are a few things I want to address before I finish off the rest as I can tell how a story would look like by first glance, but first, the good news.

You have very interesting characters, a good title, and a good plot. I like your contrasting characters. Their magic is interesting because they are controlled by different aspects of the human feelings. I find that unique, although it isn't like it hasn't been done before, but in this fashion anyways.

However, I'm not here to praise you, but to help you, so here are a few things I found that could really enhance your story massively. I mean massively, because I believe your entire story has this particular writing style that could be fleshed out and revised into an improved one.

First of all, your blurb is lacking. I think the reason why your audience level is not sufficient is because your blurb is not exactly attracting. Which is one of the reasons why I chose to read your story because I'm looking for a good story yet needs improvements. It is very interesting to see a story revise and flesh out to be the powerful story it has the potential to be. Your blurb unfortunately is lacking the hook which helps boost your audience level massively. If you make the first sentence of the blurb much more powerful, I bet that you will gain a decent audience. "It starts all calm and peaceful in an orphanage, like anyone would imagine it would be in the start." First of all, there are already a few problems in this first sentence in the blurb. The first thing is that you defined what an orphanage feels like. If you have ever seen news articles and such, like a company named Lumos who aims to help 8 million children around the world, you will know that not all orphanages are nice and cozy like the one you described in your story. So, your first error is that you defined an orphanage because not everyone finds it nice and cozy. Your second error is that you assume people would imagine an orphanage would be as you described it. Add both of these points together and you destroyed your hook from your blurb. I'll stop there and let you read your blurb out loud to strengthen that first sentence and to enhance it overall.

As for the actual story itself, the first sentence is not bad. I personally think that it wouldn't matter if you made it stronger or what not. However, there are a few errors inside from chapter one. First of all, you did exactly the opposite as your first sentence in the blurb which is that you assume that your audience doesn't know the information being presented. An example is "It was Kyra's. Kyra is my sister." You could have simplified something like that into something like "It was my sister Kyra" or "It belonged to my sister Kyra" as you already said that a voice cut through the air. Also, when Kyra talks to Luna, you can drop the Luna because it is implied Kyra is talking to her sister, or show Kyra's character by maybe replacing Kyra calling Luna to maybe sis or sister. It is just a suggestion, but grammatically, the comma shouldn't even be behind "Luna". If you look through your entire story, you'll see bits and parts of it create a children's book sort of theme. Like the first example I showed you above. It sounded chopped up and simplified to elementary level and trust me, you'll find a lot of other sentences that you wrote that are just like that, but I don't have the luxury to list them ALL out.

Overall, you have good ideas, but please take these suggestions into account and your story will go a long way. I may update this if I finish if I find any extra setbacks, but overall, a well done job.

UPDATE:
So I finished reading the entire story so far and I have a few things to point out.
The turn of events that occured with the sisters has developed in a very interesting fashion. Good job.
You might want to look at chapter 30 and 31 as they are duplicates. I think chapter 30 is the odd one because there seems to be a gap between the plot.
There are a few elementary things that need to be fixed. If you look over it, you'll find that some phrases sound too simple yet they don't support your plot. Your comic relief in those parts could be enhanced and feel more real. Like the part when Nyx is being cuddled by Luna.
But overall, I look forward to the rest of your story!

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Truly Amazingly Captured

I am extremely shocked at how well the essence of a teenager's pain is captured. I absolutely love how accurate and painful this is. When I get sad, I will probably read this every time!

As this author is not the type to express emotionally, this is an extremely well done job.

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Great Story

After reading a few part of this story, I have to say I'm already hooked!

I like the beginning of your story and your summary, it's unique. It pulls us in for more. What are they talking about? That sort of thing.

Your summary is also unique, asking us questions...I haven't seen a summary like that.
I would try to refrain from asking questions, but since it's a series of questions, the summary pulls us in.

Reading this through, there are a bit of small errors that is easy to fix so you should go back and read this aloud.

Great job! I liked this story.

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Wonderful Story

Hi, I saw your post and looked into your profile for neat stories and I found one!

Ok, first of all, the summary. It think it could use more work. Especially the last sentence.
Another thing, the introduction. The very first sentence:
There's a story that goes like this.
This isn't very appealing in my eyes. Sorry.
It was a bit short too. I think the first sentence could be much improved, perhaps woven into the story. Please show, not tell.
Some people like me...do not care about how people look straight up. I think you can show that, not tell.
Her wide smile was sick.
I think it sounds slang. I think it could be improved.

Chapter 1. Her father was a nice man>??? Was? Is, right? Because when you say was, I could see that the father might be the antagonist. Past tense, that sort of stuff, It's rather noticeable.

So is Zoe a demon?

Ok, I like the creativity in your story...however I find the things above....distracting, so if you fixed that I think it could greatly improve your story.

After reading the reviews for this story, I have to whole-heartedly agree with them that There are some gaps in the story which isn't easy to read so make your story smoother in timeline and this story will go far. So a re-edit of the whole thing and fleshing this story out is highly recommended!

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Review from me

First of all, welcome to Inkitt! I hope you like this review.
I put my acidic filter on. I change my mind. I don't see any reason for me to do that.
I loved the short story. Is it going to be a novel? It seems...incomplete as I see a question mark in the end.
The communications between the characters were well done.
The only thing you need to work on is your summary. Because it determines the reader's next actions if they are going to read it! So work on that! I believe you can improve it significantly! You lost a star for that!

And I don't want counts, not interested. If you want, go ahead.

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That's a lot of chapters!!!

Hi,

I'm just going to tell you everything I think about it so far.

The summary...it's well done! You reeled me in.
The first chapter was very well done, I was completely absorbed into this! So you deserve a vote from me! I liked the story a lot! I liked the lands of your name, the first conflict of the story. The feeling of the story was well established!

About Olrick. His injuries really give us something to be sorry about. It makes us grow fond of him. I like how that's done.
This story seems pretty old looking at the link. I take it you written this a few months ago?

How not a lot of people have read this is a damn shame, because they could be having some great reading into their minds! Good luck in the Dreamlands contest!

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Ok

Hi,

When I just saw this, I was like "Aww, no reviews?" I gotta review!!!

This story I have to say hooked me up! Many references I know are reminded sort of like the beginning of the movie Fantastic Four, you know the protagonist is sciency and stuff like your character Abraham, whatever his name was.

I am also reminded of the beginning of Percy Jackson book 1, how he tells us about his life or whatever, similar to this story.

The plot is done pretty nicely here. I can see where this is going at and seems interesting too!

What you need to work on however, is your summary. I think you should take advantage of the 200 word limit, because when someone decides whether or not they want to read your story or not, they read your summary. If it's interesting enough, you have reeled your readers into this wonderful story. So work on that!

The story is so simple. I like that. Going to school with normal people and stuff. Hey, I write fantasy, maybe it seems extraordinary but it really is! This school story, if it is...is amazing! I like the interactions with the characters and the descriptions. I don't see any info dump. I don't see a reason why you should have one in the first place so that's good. The information is well woven into the story. I like that. It's a very smooth read.

Honestly, I would recommend this to any regular person who likes regular stories. Not the sort of stories out of the ordinary.
.

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Much improved

Re-review

I think that last review was very harsh, no intentions of discouragement!

I changed my ratings, because it really deserves it after the drastic change that you made!

The prologue has improved significantly and has become a very smooth read in which I was able to follow along with no trouble. It makes Chapter 1 make a lot more sense and smoother as well!

I haven't mentioned this but I have to say that this story has favorable magical elements employed in it.

Great job on the changes! I can't wait to read more, it's on my reading list!

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First Review?

Hey Claudio,

You have some amazing stuff going on here! I was surprised to find out your story! It's not often I see such a wonderful story around here. The beginning immediately got me absorbed into the story and that's exactly what I'm looking for in a great story! Your writing style is perfect for me, so absolutely no complaints on that! No Grammer issues in my eyes and punctuation errors! Wonderful story, you got my vote!

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Wonderful Story!

Hi!

This story is really great! I loved the setting and their names! Your dialogue was excellent! I loved how the story moved nicely. But there are some things to work on.

Although your dialogue was really well done, it overpowers the story, so I suggest you work on that. But overall, your story is really good!

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Can't describe this

This is just amazing stuff you got there. And you have a typical beginning, reminds me of my stories, but

This is just amazing! I loved how you characterized the characters, it just felt so real, especially Nevil!

I just want to read more and more of this! Although it's not my favourite genre.

Great job for winning in the contest and getting 3rd place, although you should have gotten first!

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Prologue

Hi,

Your story is really great! But I didn't like your prologue in my opinion, mainly because you stalled the first chapter from my reading, which was somewhat annoying because your first chapter was good stuff, but it was really well done for the most part, so keep it up!

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A review

First of all, I came across this because you won the contest. So I decided to read it myself.

I have to say, your story is really impressive so far and I honestly can say that I have never read anything as good as the famous modern authors we have today, like J.K. Rowling, Rick Riordan, Susanne Collins, Chris Colfer, Ally Condie, Lois Lowry and etc.

Your genre didn't really suit me right, but your writing ability is very very impressive to the extent that I can say it is a really really good story so far. The title is very interesting and I got really absorbed into it when I was supposed to do something really important! It was so difficult to drag myself off your story because it is really good! Your characters are original (in my opinion), the thinking of the people is fresh, done in a way that does not feel modern or in the old times, but a mix. Like how the shadow took her. (I forgot that part if it's wrong!)

I really hope you become an author one day. Or if you already are then great! Because you really would deserve or do deserve it! Your story is really good. I cannot find another way to describe it. That's how good it is!

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Nice story

Hi Aiden,

I read over your supernatural story in ONE sitting and I must say it is impressive. But before I start with the technicalities, I'll tell you what I liked about your story first.
Your summary is well written. I was immediately attracted to your story by it. Your plot is interesting, I liked how this is about twin siblings who learn to appreciate each other despite their different lives. Each character feels real and can be differentiated by their real human qualities. I do admit I did have a bit of trouble trying to differentiate Jay and Jakki from one another so like one of your reviewers mentioned, it would be nice if you can give them their own unique style of speech. The human qualities are good, but the speech sort of sounds the same, so work on that if you please.
Now for my criticism, you already have received a bit from above, but let me state that you have a few grammatical errors here and there, but its very minor and you can fix them easily. Generally, the story was rather smooth, so it wasn't exactly a problem for me personally.
For your blurb, Jay had a nice life. No one cares. Why does he have a nice life? I mean, I get that you are trying to start out your blurb sort of like how some authors do this, but it gets old and no one cares and only want to be fascinated, so work on that and you will get a bigger audience.
As for your prologue, it is supposed to support your story overall. I think your story could even lose the prologue because it doesn't exactly support your story and plot. It seems like something for book two material. Unless the prologue took place before all this happened, it would actually make sense. But from the context I'm given, it doesn't seem like it is or is clear enough so if you could fix that, your readers would understand what is going on more easily.
Otherwise, I'm pretty satisfied with your vampire, werewolf, lycan, and all those wizard elements you have in the story. It has this fair depth of technicality that is easy for your readers to digest.

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Wake up please

Hi Alex,

As I was browsing for supernatural stories for Inkitt readers to read, I couldn't help but be pulled into your story only by this fact and was very disappointed to find a story that holds so much potential and ideas, yet organized in a very disorganized and messed up fashion. So heed my words to transform your story into something much stronger.
Your summary is interesting, yet weak. In other words, it makes absolute no sense at all. You explain how your character is waiting for something, and then you are like what you mean is, and this is very confusing as you contradict yourself. So in other words, it doesn't work at all. Make a solid hook, and short summary in a sentence and you will find readers hovering to your story.
Second of all, the way contests work to determine if they want to publish your work is a FINISHED AND POLISHED WORK. This is the maximum you will have to put in if you ever want a chance to winning any contests. And before I grill you on the fact you won't have a chance, I'll explain every detail why your story won't gain the audience and satisfaction you need.
Number one, your blurb. Never ever define what your audience will feel. It is a very arrogant motion that tends to push away your readers. No one wants to read, this is a very interesting story you have to read to believe. Unfortunately, this terribly composed blurb masks those possibilities that your reader will see in your story.
Number two, your prologue. I have never in my life seen a poorly composed prologue. It is massively flawed. Wake up please. Yes, an author's comment breaks the fourth wall, but you did it in such an arrogant fashion that readers may find very unattractive and would just want to put this down right away. Don't tell your readers that they will love your story. They won't. Your readers look for an interesting plot and strong writing to love a story. They won't love what you define. Don't define their feelings as they will find you as an arrogant figure and this pushes them away from what you want them to read. So, I highly suggest you get rid of ANYTHING that promotes your definitions of your audience's feelings and you will see more readers.
Number three, again, your prologue, but its about how you choose to craft it. It is unfortunately poorly written and looks so casual, as if you were texting a friend in a more formal fashion. By the way, what you did there is how I text people and it isn't exactly the thing your audience find attracting. It is very difficult to read and difficult to communicate what you want with your audience and this also pushes your readers away because they don't want to deal with a difficult story in their readings.
Number four, punctuation. You lack a ton of it. I can't even imagine the long list I would have to come up with for both chapters. And your readers who might want to spare a review will not do you a favor and list them all out because it is not a fleshed out, polished story. Its completely find if it is a work in progress and you are looking for people to help you look at your best effort, but honestly, I find this writing lazy and you can do WAY better than this. I believe this story has the potential to be good, but not when you choose to leave out all the nitty gritty that makes a story good.
Number five, romance. I honestly prefer if you left the story tell itself how the couple would develop and show it instead of ruining it in the beginning, which basically already tells the entire story. I think other readers would find the same as well, so please, redo the entire prologue. A prologue is supposed to support your entire story, but in this case, you destroyed it unfortunately. I am tempted to give you a one star rating, but the truth is that you have the ideas (much like another story I read that was similar) and I must give you credit for creating it, but your bad quality of work masks the ideas you want to get through and those are all the reasons why you won't find a good audience. It is the reason why readers will put it down. So in summary, don't assume your readers will love your story, fix your punctuation, don't write as if you didn't care as in punctuation, and try your best. If this is your best, that would be heavily unfortunate and you could really use some english classes to help you get the novel you want. If you need help editing, read your story out loud and you'll find where your punctuation goes and how your sentences sound, which in turn shows you what you should fix. If you can't do even that, your path to an author will be difficult. Please take this criticism into heart and don't be discouraged. I know that it hurts to have our precious stories stabbed by others, but it honestly makes you and evolves you into a better writer. Trust me. Thankfully, you have barely started this story, so it will be an easy fix. When you fleshed out your prologue and chapter (or completely revise it), I would be happy to help you take a look again.

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Fair

Hi Bria,

I read the entire story of your first book and I have some things to say.

For the good news. Your story is very well written. I like the descriptions, dialogue, and excellent technical writing skills. Your blurb certainly has caught me and the wonderfully written prologue.

Now for my criticism. You may have noticed the plot was rated the lowest. The reason for that is that your plot didn't seem to have a very good climax. I couldn't even directly pinpoint it. The hologram part which was literally half of the book basically destroyed your climax. That is one of the points I thought it felt like. I feel that it was a lazy way of saying "oh, I don't like the plot, I'm going to just change it like that" and trust me, I've done this a ton of times and they never work out unless you stress heavily from the beginning that it will be that way and that your story centralizes around that theme.

The magical cards you set out the story to be was just missing and was all about relating to the cards. This brings me to the title. Invited by the Elements. I don't think I felt that magic from the title in the story. It didn't go with your plot much. I didn't feel like there was a strong solid plot I can flesh out. At least to what your title might suggest.

In other words, we were already prepared that Seven was a hopeless idiot liar. Also, the genre is incorrect. This story doesn't seem like it is written for children but rather a romantic story which I was completely not prepared for. But it was all good in the end since I have read quite a few stories with this mix.

One thing that was very difficult to catch until you have gone into the middle of the story. The point of views switch. It wasn't clearly indicated so this is confusing to your readers when they read it.

About Princess Cressida, I was hoping we would get to know her a lot more than you introduced her to be because I felt that the main character was not Mixie, but Seven in midway. It is Mixie, right? Well, because you keep switching points of views, your protagonists from your reader's point of view seem to change which causes a lot of confusion. Do you get what I'm saying?

At this point, it is very very difficult for you to modify this story so your readers will understand what goes on from the beginning. This is the sort of thing readers want to look for. If you can modify, I would suggest maybe writing in third person to flesh out the antagonist section to be more effective. This is just a suggestion.

The way I see book two looks like a repeat of book one because Mixie was in the hologram for like the most part of the book and she is starting to see it again yet that was at the end of the book.

But overall, you are a very strong writer because you know how to evoke these images that you want your audience to see, and it is a very easy story to read through as your technical skills are on point. At least to the point I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. Good luck in submitting to contests and I hope my comments will help you to improve as a writer and to help you learn how to get a bigger audience and chance in writing contests.

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Admirable

Hi DMWiltshire,

I took a look at your story (again, because it was in my reading lists, but honestly I forgot what the story was about and don't remember the storyline) and I'm going to tell you what I enjoyed about your story first.

You have a very interesting hook. I like how you gave concern to the reader in the very first sentence of your story. It makes us want to know why this particular character was screaming in pain. This is one part that decides if a random audience wants to pick this book up.

I also like the fact how you wasted no time to introduce the problem. However, it can be like a double edged sword. Some readers prefer to have just a little more time to understand their platter of food before they start to taste the main course.

Your descriptions of how your characters look is good, but can be improved on. Thin pepper hair is a very interesting description, but is vague, unless you literally mean that the character's hair is the color of pepper which hold a variety of colors. Try not to be vague in some of your descriptions although much of your descriptions uses very colorful and powerful words.

I also like your descriptions of how your characters interact with others or objects. However, some sentences could use enhancing, if you read your sentences out loud when you paint the scene, you might notice that you either need to remove a word or add a word so your audience gets a more clear picture. Such as, Caldor didn't want to give up. Give up what? Some readers jump to conclusions while some may not. Just watch out for those kinds of sentences. However, for the most part, I don't believe it is necessary, but when you have the time, please go have a look. Examples are, the test, as in the description of the prince's health. Some people may not know what it implies. Speaking of which, sometimes you need simple words to make your story more clear.

Please note that I have only read the first chapter so far and from just the first chapter, I can determine how your entire story will look and of course, I'm going to finish this story as soon as I can. This is basically a habit of avid readers. If you honestly take a look at even the first few sentences, you will know if a story will turn out good, and this story is no exception.

Now to address one of the more disappointing factors of your story, the blurb. The blurb is very much valid except that your first sentence could be much more effective. This is sort of the other thing that readers look for to determine if they want to read your story or not. You do have a decent first sentence, but it isn't exactly appealing to my own personal preference. Of course, for this, please do ask for the opinion of others but I believe your first sentence could be much improved in the blurb. The world of Gaitan is used to conflict. So what? Readers are not sympathetic when it comes to finding a story and only want to fish for the good fish. So, if you strengthened your blurb, this will help you attract a bigger audience. Of course, this matter is separate yet connected to the story itself so you need to make them work together.

Also, avoid asking questions. This is something irritating to your readers unless you answer them, but still keep it to a minimum because it goes against the good quality in your writing. And with enough of them, it becomes a philosophical lesson, or quiz which is usually never seen in the books that are sold out in the public. Questions lead to vagueness and this causes the story to be blurry. But this issue isn't too major, but just look over them to possibly enhance your story.

These are honestly the only things I can pick out from your story. Everything you wrote is absolutely valid and descriptive, but the question is is it clear and strong at the same time. For the most part, you have them both, but sometimes, you either have a clear sentence that can be potentially strong, and a strong sentence that can potentially be clear. These sentences are up to your own judgement because I do not understand the exact context you are looking for.

Looking forward to the rest of your story. :)

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Review in Progress

This is a very interesting story from a first glance!
I can honestly say I am excited to demolish the rest of this story hopefully today.

I first looked at the reviews you received from writing this story and for the most part, I have to agree with them.

You introduced an info dump in the prologue. I recognize it because I do them myself, not intentionally.
If you could seamlessly break it up into many small bits and introduce them slowly in the story, then this story would improve drastically without the prologue. Not that the prologue is not interesting. I feel like you could do a lot more with that.

Your blurb sounds very exciting and grabbed me in for the ride immediately. It is disappointing to see the prologue follow after (info dump) although it was very entertaining to read.

Your first chapter and second chapter are very impressive in description, on the contrary lacking in genuine conversation.

On the note with Amanda, I love this character and how she doesn't talk like what the other reviewer said. She is so different from other characters I have embarked on a journey with. I don't think I can write realistically without conversation that describes the characters. It is very nice how you use other characters to describe Amanda.

What you really need to work on is the realistic parts of your story, specifically conversations and the interactions between a specific character with a specific career.

I have not read your entire story so the rating stays as a three for your writing style at the time being.

Overall, good job!

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Unexpected

After reading Chapter 1-3, I am blown away from this story.

It is rare to see such good polished stories like this one. And it is especially rare to find a Thriller as good as this one! I also read this story as my two good friends reviewed this and was curious about this story as well..

This story can only be described as a masterpiece. I was already drawn into it within the first paragraph. The title is extremely simple and catchy at the same time. The Last Chance. I would definitely recommend others to read this.

The characterizations of Jack and Cass are very real. I can imagine this in real life right away, living like one of the characters in the story.

Religion... this element that is mixed into this story is also very much admired. I like how you did that.

The most interesting element of your story is the spacing in the events in the timeline of the story.

I can't wait to read more!

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Wow...

This is a great story! I like the characterization of Reyna, we are immediately shown Reyna's personality. Although I wish a bit more was put in the first chapter! I read more of it and I have to say I'm impressed, even for a very picky reader like myself.

There is a couple of things I didn't quite enjoy. The summary has a comma making the sentence...not very smooth. It's an easy fix though.

I hardly saw the title as fantasy...but as they say, looks can be deceiving.

Dialogue, new paragraph. It's a basic rule that you should follow. I don't like dialogue buried in a paragraph although it is good writing.

Dates are most often ineffective when describing a timeline...for me anyways. I think it could blend in with the story because the beginning of each chapter should draw you in till the very end!

Good luck with the Dreamlands contest and I added this story to my reading list!

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Shocking

Hi...
So after reading this story...I have to say wow.
However...I find that you are repeating the I, It, If alot. Now, since it's a short story, it was noticeable.

What I like about the story is the mystic feeling you give us. The woman certainly is special in your story, no wonder why I think of it as a small piece of uniqueness. This short story is worth it's read.

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Could use a bit more spicing up

This story at first glance is good enough to make you want to read...however

My review might sound harsh...maybe because I tend to avoid high popularity stories

Ideas are spilling out of random and I feel like it could use a tremendous amount of cleaning up. Being a fantasy nerd...I can see how messy the great ideas you have are. For example, the second chapter, giving us a bit of info on the world. It's not a crime, but why did the protagonist do that? Is there a reason?

You have great character names, titles, but like your story, I think you can use a great amount of cleaning up. The summary can be greatly improved...but it doesn't show. So I think you should go back and take the time to do that.

The entire story is the same feedback that I can give. After reading the plot, I have to say it's special, a positive of your story.

Good luck in the Dreamlands contest.

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Wonderful Story

Hi Ravenhawk...

This is my way of thanking you for that wonderful review. Voted, btw.
Starting with the summary. I hope you can do much better than that. I would put that at the beginning of the story, then put a spacing mark then start the story.

Since this story is rather short, I thought I would read the whole thing.

First of all, time jumping like that I regard as highly inefficient technique to scene change. I think the story could be greatly fixed. If you are helping your dad's work, perhaps you could put some fillers to make the story progress smoother?

By the way, I pay quite a lot of attention to Punctuation and Grammar and was pleased to not spot any, not that I know of.

After reading the entire story in a whole sitting, I easily spotted the different writing that you have with your dad. You see, your dad doesn't sass talk in the story and you have sass talk in the last two chapters. I take it that you wrote it. But it was well done. At least the content remained the same.

Judging by the entire story, I know it's too short to be complete. So either it's still a work in progress because there is absolutely no way it's 40 000 words, which is the MINIMUM requirement for the story to be chosen as a contest winner 3rd 2nd and 1st. Although I would very much like this to win first! ☺

So...I think you can flesh the story out with those enormous time gaps of two days or whatever and slowly weave it into your story! Great story! You got my vote, btw!

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Quick Review (for now)

Hi...I told you I would review...

Ok first things first,
Title. You have created an interesting title that grabs us.
Summary: Very interesting...I don't see vampires that bad....but the summary teaches us something interesting. It grabs us in.
Prologue: I think the prologue is very good...except for the fact that it feels like it's part of Chapter One, or could be a chapter by itself! So, I personally would cut the prologue!
-First bolding part. I think it should rhyme to make it more powerful.
Chapter One is well done...it's a smooth read.

So overall,,,you have a great story.

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Review

So...you presented a short story and I read it.

To be honest...this story is very smooth. I think it differs from what you usually write...what I know of you.

This story is pure. And that's a rare quality that I see. It's not the type to be used in novel writing of course. I enjoyed it and appreciated it. I don't see any mistakes of any sort.

Selkie...I had to search up what it is. So perhaps you should keep that point in your head.

What you should greatly work on is your summary which I think could be drastically improve, right? Because if someone looks at this....they would read the summary before determining whether they want to read it or not right? So that's just a minor issue that I came across. The title is very interesting and has meaning.

I don't have a lot to say about this short story. But my main point is that it's a good story that everyone should read once in a while. It's pure. Period.

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Quick Review (for now)

Ok, if I sound harsh, that's because this context is not my cup of tea. I dislike reading about wars...I try my very best to avoid those stories, but I'll try my best to review as kindly as I can.

Your summary is excellent. No other way to put it.

Setting...I think you can work on the setting immensely. If your story isn't tip top shape, using the setting by physically displaying wasn't my cup of tea. I have read so many stories like that and it's just not done well. The setting I think needs to be in one with the story and I didn't see that. That's just my opinion.

First Paragraph...I think it was info dump about the protagonist. I think it could be weaved better into the story.

Words need to be written out completely. So finding the word "sess" was a bit odd to me.

Setting jumping quite often is hard to follow. I try to only change my setting once maximum to avoid confusion. I see too much scene changes! If you scene change completely, you write your next chapter!
Otherwise, if it's the same place, then keep it.

Okay...swearing in my opinion brings a bad impression in the story. I like the protagonist's rebellious attitude. The Muslam stuff...I am not religious, so if I spelled it wrong...oops. So personally, I didn't like that. I don't know about others.

New setting, use the Inkitt line tool. Basic stuff.

This story however is good enough that I thought you created this yourself...of course it's based on 24.

So I was right. It wasn't my cup of tea and chances are that I might not be able to get through the whole thing due to lack of interest in your plot. But if you guys like action...this is the story for you!

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Quick Review (for now)

Ok...so what I think about this. First impression is summary! This is what your readers will look at when you publish a story. So that 200 word limit is short and you displayed a summary even shorter than that. The best thing to do is to take advantage of the word limit and use it!!! So when I looked at that summary, half of me was thinking great! The other half thought that you weren't spending enough effort on that. So if I were you, I would take complete advantage to the word limit of the summary!

This displays the power of how your write! So this is like your first impression on your readers.

Explain what neural is...the first description wasn't enough to tell you readers what it exactly is.

My first impression on your story I thought might be a story between heaven and hell. But it's not, which gives a creative twist with that theme into Sci-Fi?!!!

xXx...if you read the Inkitt Guildline, you need that line tool Inkitt has! So go back and fix that!

The way people talk...so is this story a mix of Fantasy and Sci-Fi? If it's not, you have given us the wrong impression of your story and need some editing.

This review isn't sufficient so I read your second chapter. I mean, first chapter. Because that was the prologue. Personally, I don't like prologues because so many prologues were done so badly through my reading and I'm not going to punish you for that.

Loads of info is dumped in front of me. It's not easy to keep up. So keep that in mind.

Okay, Chapter 1 is weird. When you have dialogue, it's so thin that the different between it and the story is hard to follow as well.

From reading this...I think it's sort of like a Star Wars remix? I hope you find this review helpful.

You should be expecting a full review no later than this year.

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Quick Review (for now)

So...this one might be the one I might like out of all four stories thrown at me.
Unlike Fanfiction, this might not be your cup of tea. So listen carefully for what I have in store for you.
I am not going to sugarcoat my review because there isn't a reason to.

Ok...I have to say you have shown Squidward and Spongebob's personalities wonderfully. The song Spongebob just sang reminded me of FUN. The Spongebob version. F is for Fun ...U is for u and me. N is for Nywhere....you get the idea. And that reminded me about what Plankton sang too.
F is for fire tearing down buildings, U is for Uranium...BOMBs, N is for Never....whatever. I think you get the idea.

Cute song you made up. The characters were described wonderfully and SpongeBob's actions would be exactly what we would anticipate him do.

Ok...it was hard to follow with your sudden time change. I thought it could have improved. It was a rather...rough transition.

You missed the secret to the Krabby Patty formula! That is LOVE...so if you are going to write SpongeBob fanfic, you need to make it so similar that we think it's another SpongeBob movie. That's the only thing you are missing in the first chapter. I thought it could use love. If love is part of the plot...then fine.

Squidward is supposed to go kabonkers for the krabby patty. Remember his krabby patty fest? Honestly, because it's fanfiction, I think the story could use exaggeration.

New dialogue, new paragraph, simple. Check out chapter 2 to see your transition to the Krab's memory about hogus, whatever his name was.

Characters introductions like Patrick is rather abrupt. Make character entrances smoother

So, other than that, I have no complaints for this story!

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First review?

Hi...

You asked Alex to help you review...but she's not going to review this week.
And people are so easy to predict...I'm sure you don't like waiting for a review. So let's get to it.

Title: I think your title is pretty interesting for a fantasy story. How corruption dies...sounds interesting. It's probably something readers might want to buy at a bookstore.

Your summary: for the protagonist to remain strong, he has to carry a girl. That's ironic, but it's a pretty good hook. You reeled me in already.

Your settings are telling rather than seeing however the way this story has been written...fair enough. It's done excellently I have to say.

Descriptions right at the beginning of the story. I would cut it out. No one cares what she looks like. Weave it in the story like any piece of information you would weave.

"A woman with red hair....white blouse..." I don't think that's exactly what you wrote...but I would cut it out.

Paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 all start with THE WOMAN, THE WOMAN, THE WOMAN. Seriously! It gets rather annoying when that happens and that's not all. I see it in within the paragraphs too. So...this first chapter needs a good edit despite the fact it is smooth. Those are the things that stuck out to me the most.

10th paragraph. Nearly the entire paragraph starts with The. repeating the three times is bad enough. You have 4 'The's

So what I would do is go back into the whole editing process and click Ctrl-F and search the. You will be amazed to find how many you have! But I think you might not do that, so I helped you a bit.

Let me give you a number of 'The's you have.

First Chapter: 579

Second Chapter: 268

Third Chapter: 269

Total 'The's: 1116 in your entire document.

So, the 'the's you have in your story...you lost two stars for that. The plot is interesting but how you described your characters in the beginning of your story lost you a star because the beginning is your most important part of your story. After adverbs, there is usually a comma when you start a sentence with it. Like:

Suddenly, blah blah blah...

That's it. Overall, I love this story. Keep working at it!

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My own review

Ok, I have never done this before but I'm going to rate myself. I don't think it's going to be easy to do, but here goes nothing.

My plot of the story. I think it's pretty interesting. I haven't build a scaffold for any of my stories but this one, and I find my plot very interesting and surprising so that's a five.

I don't like my writing style necessarily, after reading multiple reviews from others. I think in my opinion, it's easy to read though others don't think so, so minus one star for that.

About my technical writing skills. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm pretty sure I did that pretty darn right but there are always mistakes, so I give myself a four for that one.

From recent reviews...I haven't been very happy with them and so I have to say meh...three. I think my story is okay. Not the best.

So if you like fantasy...I would love it if you took a read! I hope I don't disappoint you. I wrote this from my heart and I hope you enjoy this. This story has been an escape route for me after getting so many discouraging reviews SO please take a read!

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Ok

Hi,

I just saw this and was like "Aww, no reviews?" I gotta review!!! And btw, I like reviewing, just not for prizes.

This story I have to say hooked me up! Many references I know are reminded sort of like the beginning of the movie Fantastic Four, you know the protagonist is sciency and stuff like your character Abraham, whatever his name was.

I am also reminded of the beginning of Percy Jackson book 1, how he tells us about his life or whatever, similar to this story.

The plot is done pretty nicely here. I can see where this is going at and seems interesting too!

What you need to work on however, is your summary. I think you should take advantage of the 200 word limit, because when someone decides whether or not they want to read your story or not, they read your summary. If it's interesting enough, you have reeled your readers into this wonderful story. So work on that!

The story is so simple. I like that. Going to school with normal people and stuff. Hey, I write fantasy, maybe it seems extraordinary but it really is! This school story, if it is...is amazing! I like the interactions with the characters and the descriptions. I don't see any info dump. I don't see a reason why you should have one in the first place so that's good. The information is well woven into the story. I like that. It's a very smooth read.

Honestly, I would recommend this to any regular person who likes regular stories. Not the sort of stories out of the ordinary.
.

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Ok

Hi,

I just saw this and was like "Aww, no reviews?" I gotta review!!!

This story I have to say hooked me up! Many references I know are reminded sort of like the beginning of the movie Fantastic Four, you know the protagonist is sciency and stuff like your character Abraham, whatever his name was.

I am also reminded of the beginning of Percy Jackson book 1, how he tells us about his life or whatever, similar to this story.

The plot is done pretty nicely here. I can see where this is going at and seems interesting too!

What you need to work on however, is your summary. I think you should take advantage of the 200 word limit, because when someone decides whether or not they want to read your story or not, they read your summary. If it's interesting enough, you have reeled your readers into this wonderful story. So work on that!

The story is so simple. I like that. Going to school with normal people and stuff. Hey, I write fantasy, maybe it seems extraordinary but it really is! This school story, if it is...is amazing! I like the interactions with the characters and the descriptions. I don't see any info dump. I don't see a reason why you should have one in the first place so that's good. The information is well woven into the story. I like that. It's a very smooth read.

Honestly, I would recommend this to any regular person who likes regular stories. Not the sort of stories out of the ordinary.
.

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Great start!

Hi Erica,

I took a read at your story and it looks interesting.

Your sentences lack some words that could enhance the sentence, or complete the sentence.
Why don't you go through your story and read it aloud. You'll find a lot of errors!

And your dialogue, throughout Chapter 1, the dialogue was constantly being interrupted by paragraph length descriptions and it's rather annoying reading a piece like that. Try to cut down interruptions. It does not mean cut down on the descriptions.

Great story so far. Is this a first draft?

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Nice

This is a great story. My ratings may look quite harsh, but that's what I really think it is.

There is one thing I immediately noticed. A thing you could work on.

Look at your summary. Read it aloud and you'll know it doesn't sound right. It is supposed to give us a brief summary of the story, not who it's written by, we readers don't care about that part. It already states who it is already written by.

And overall, this story although isn't my style, it's good. Although my ratings should show that I don't read these types of stories., so it's not the sci-fi favorable type.

Because one look at your summary shows your entire writing flaws. It's that simple.

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Nothing to say

Wow! I have never read a Sci-fi story like this one! Great job! You got my vote! I loved the science you employed into this story, it's so advanced, and the virus, and everything! Your characters are well shaped! Best of luck in the Sci-fi contest!

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Wonderful story!

This story is really well written! I love the dialogue and paragraph spacing. I think you had a few unintentional spacing in the story which broke up your sentence. Check for that.

The plot is clever and original and I love it!
Your writing style suits me excellently, so I have absolutely no complaints on your story!

Character names are completely original, Clarimont? Forgot how to spell her name, and Hugolin? Those character names sound totally real and original! This story is amazing!

Btw, you got my vote!

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Wonderful

This story strongly resemble my story, the magical schools and the water magic, that stuff!

I love this story! You got my vote!

I love Miss Whistle's character, the strict type. And I love the musical connection! Figaro's School of Magic refers to the opera the Marriage of Figaro? Which that is written by W.A. Mozart. Is that the connection with your school of magic?

You do have some capitalization mistakes and some punctuation errors but overall, it's really well done! Now I have some inspiration for my story! Thank you so much!

The Character's names are clever and original! Like, as in new, not used a lot.

Best Wishes in Wanderlust!

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Rhyme

Wonderful poem! I loved it!

I have absolutely no complaints! It is that good!

I am amazed that your poem could go that long! I can't wait to read your other works (if you have any!)

I saw you post help and I answered it! Great job!

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Looking Great So Far!

Your prologue is doing great so far! It is really interesting and creative, although normally I don't favour prologues.

I have absolutely no complaints at all!

Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read the read of your writings! I really want to read the first chapter!

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Handsome and Gorgeous

If I were to call Hansel and Gretel something else, it would be that.

But this story is really well done! The stepmother has a really funny name, and the exaggerated hatred into Hansel and Gretel.

I'm okay with the father, he's not as bad as I thought when I first heard him in the story.

This is a really good story and a very creative idea, but I'm not seeing a lot of magic in the story! That's my only complaint. Although the stepmother could turn into a demon (ugly beasts characteristics).

So yeah! This is really great stuff and good luck in the contest of Wanderlust!

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Repayment

Hi,

Thank you for your review, so I decided to return the favor.

Your story is very good, but your dialogue overpowers your entire first chapter!
It gets boring when dialogue does that! So I strongly encourage you to cut down on that! You need a good balance of dialogue and non dialogue. Actually, more non dialogue in my eyes!

Your dialogue is the main reason why I don't favor your writing style so if you're wondering, there's my answer.
I haven't looked at the entire story of yours so I can't give you a 0 or a 5, so I stuck with 3 for now.

Keep it up!

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Critical

Hi,

I just read your story (only the first chapter) and I have a few things to say! I am going to be as critical as possible so you could work on your story and make it shine as best as possible (not that it isn't right now, but)

Your first chapter needs to be very strong in order for it to attract other's attention. In my eyes, I think your first chapter could use more work! I think swearing in the first chapter right away is unappealing. I find that mean short descriptions work just fine! Just suggestions!

What I really liked about your story is when the dragon hatched! The part how the protagonist hoped the elderly saying no to take care of the dragon was really well done. So applauds for that!

The thing that did not suit me right was your writing style! I got confused at the "you" in the beginning of the story. The part in the dialogue.
I would suggest you use Edgar, instead of "you" in the dialogue part. It makes it easier to see the dialogue.

But overall, it's a story with potential and I strongly encourage you to polish it! Your writing style greatly effects your story!

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First Review?

Hi Tanya,

I read the first chapter of your story and it's looking good so far.

I don't quite like the way the main character talks.

My favourite part in the first chapter was when you described the scenery from the dream, how the village pulsed and that kind of description.

The modern context is what makes this story creative. It reminds me a lot of my story a lot.

Your writing style doesn't suit me well. To me, it sounds obnoxious. And for your plot, I can't really say it's good or not, so I put three stars, that it's average. And your story is an except so I can't really say anything about the plot.

Keep it up!

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Wonderful story!

This story is wonderful already with magic employed in the story. I like the establishments of the characters like Cara and Aaron. Their fight for work and hiring.

There are however some small things to work on, like a character's speech. Although I know who was talking, it's hard to get through without seeing "speech speech speech" someone snorted, or whatever it was. Some dialogue had said, snapped whatever that tells us that they are talking since I personally regard this as an indication of the character's actions.

The summary is attractive enough to get me reading.

Try to avoid I'll the won't sort of words. Try to break it apart, more like I will, or will not.

Great job, you got my vote!

And I tried to write this review at the best of my abilities. Good luck in the NaNoWriMo contest!

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Top 10% in Entwined
Top 10% in Wanderlust
Top 10% in Dreamlands

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